Grieving

So what is normal grieving...

I am a hospice nurse now for a couple of years. It fits my soul and am honored to be able to walk with others to the gates of glory. 

I went to visit a widow and we were going over what is normal.

Let's see. Years ago when someone lost a spouse, they were given a year to 18 months to grieve the loss. Today if you go see a medical professional (MD, NP, PA...) They say that you are depressed and give you a medication, especially if it is new. Really.

Life has cycles and there is nothing wrong with being depressed after you loss something, in fact the opposite is true. It does not matter if it is a spouse, child, job, relationship. Loss is loss. You are supposed to feel sad. How long feeling sad is normal? Define whose normal. 

When I lose in a game, I get over the loss quickly. OK, the competitive in my might not get over it quickly and might challenge you to play again. Circumstances define what is your normal. Loss of something important takes longer to "get over" than something that is not as important to you. 

Reflecting now on my loss of my marriage, it has been 4 1/2 years that a 2x4 hit me. Yes, I know you might say that is not true that nothing is a 2x4. It was and it doesn't matter,  my reality is mine and yours is yours, :). 

I felt like I had lost a spouse because I did. I lost family as I defined it. I lost what I had and it hurts. You have your year of firsts. First holiday without him, first anniversary, first birthday etc... It hurts. The second year you start to come out of your shell and tests the waters again, but not sure you are quite ready. Well year 3, I played. I had fun and was looking to find me... Really that is another post lol... I had fun and was making the most of life. 
PS - if you know me I do that every day. Year 4, I had a friend. It was a great. Someone to do fun things with. It wasn't just about the fun, but about a friendship. 

Here is the truth. Life is about life cycles and the only constant is that things change. My friend has since moved and life changes, again!!! I realize I am going through the same process of grieving. You see it is the process of change and how we handle it. 

When my father died, I realized in my family that we were all in this together, but we were all alone. Each of my children responded so differently to losing the patriarch of the family. No one was wrong, we were all different. We were all together to support each other, but alone: together alone, alone together. 

5 Stages of Grief: Elizabeth Kubler Ross
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

The thing is we may go through those stages more than once and sometimes in different orders. It depends on the how emotionally connected you were to the grief. 

Grief of moving can be exciting or sad. The grief of being single to married, :)... some it is completely joyous and no grief but it is still a loss of a season. Who are you kidding, the kids have it said, "I don't want to adult". They are struggling with the loss of childhood and becoming adults. Like that was even a choice for us so long ago. Yep, now I sound like my parents lol.

Just know that relationships, good and bad, work changes, good and bad, moves, exciting or sad are all apart of life and sometimes we learn to run through phases quickly and other times it is slower, but none of the are wrong. And mostly,!!!! Yes it is normal to be depressed. 

The goal isn't to not be depressed. The goal is to be able to support yourself through life stages and not always search for a quick answer with a drug. Give yourself the time you need and the experiences to continue to grow and love the life you live.